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My mother recently told me that Mercury was in retrograde, and that the astrological phenomenon was largely targeted toward vehicular abnormalities. As soon as she detected the cosmic vibrations of a retrograde Mercury, she ran outside to find a spurting gas leak from the fuel line on one of her old VW Beetles. Her friend Sage’s alternator stopped charging as well, heralded by the vicious machinations of a wayward planet.

She told me this shortly before Madalene and I drove from Missouri to Colorado, as a warning to keep an eye on my vehicle’s condition. I was unconcerned, because the car was in tip-top shape, and had just recieved a complete tune-up. However, upon arriving in Colorado, I realized there was a problem. Normally I ignore my mother’s crack-pot ravings, since they are usually the shameful result of a diseased mind, worthy more of pity than consideration. However, this time I looked up to the sky and felt Mercury’s baleful gaze upon my engine. With the car in Colorado and half our trip completed, I began to have trouble starting the car. With each crank of the engine, and each failed start, I got very uneasy.

I applied to my skin a tincture of essential oils, and marked myself with ashes. Clutching a dream-catcher in one hand and my trusty digital multimeter in the other, I attempted to open the hood of the car. As I pulled the hood latch, I heard laughter in my ears as the latch snapped off in my hand.

20 minutes later I had utilized a bless’d charm and some zip-ties to repair the hood latch, and was finally able to reveal the engine compartment. With a zealous fervor, I began troubleshooting the electrical system. The engine would crank fine, but the pre-glow lights were not lighting up, meaning there was a problem in the glow plug system. I disconnected the relay and began checking the glow plugs one by one. Lo and behold, plugs #1 and #3 were open-circuit. A diesel engine will start when one glowplug is out, but with two out, the engine could not preheat enough to overcome the chilly weather and malevolent planets.

That evening I eventually was able to start the car by boiling a few gallons of water, and slowly pouring the hot water over the cylinder head. As the temperature of the head rises, so to does my chance of starting on only 3 plugs. A few solid cranks later, and my brother and father who had come out to help me cried out in victory as the engine sprung to life. It misfired horribly, and the smoke of unburned fuel belched from the rear, but it ran. After several minutes, all 5 cylinders were firing, and the engine smoothed down. I allowed it to idle until it reached operating temperature, and drove it to Madalene’s.

Our prognosis was clear, keep the engine warm until replacement glowplugs could be aquired. Fortunately, Autozone carries a Bosch plug, P/N 80006 that is a good fit. Checker also carries a suitable plug, of the Autolite brand.

The car got us to and from Boulder and Denver, starting just fine as long as the engine was not allowed to return to ambient temperature. Upon arriving home, my dad and I ripped out the offending plugs and replaced them. I’ll be replacing the other three soon, since once one plug goes, the rest usually follow close behind. With new plugs, the car started like it was brand new, and has continued to do so ever since, safely returning us to Missouri. Even this morning when the weather was a bitter 18 degrees F, it started on the first try.

Clearly Mercury’s vile retrograde is no match for a little perseverance, and a holy multimeter.

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